SKINNY COOKS CAN'T BE TRUSTED by Dave Kessler

Weekly Newspaper Column and Cookbook.

If you don't weigh more than your refrigerator you're a skinny, cook!

Watch here for each new weekly column. My columns, which have been appearing weekly since 1981, now appear weekly in Farm World newspaper and one week after they appear in Farm World I'll post them on here and leave them up for a while.

We've got to do something about that light weight of yours so start eating seconds at every meal. Otherwise, when I come visit you I'll still be able to eat your cooking but I'll have to sit with my back to the wall.

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Pumpkin Pecan Top Pie appeared in Farm World Nov 18, 2009

I was talking with my food scout from South of Boston the other evening and he brought up the subject of a pumpkin pie with a pecan topping that he had tasted more than twenty years ago. I remember writing about a double-decker pumpkin and mincemeat pie and about another one that is a pumpkin and cream cheese pie but I'd never tasted a pumpkin pecan top pie.

This conversation stimulated my curiosity and I did some searching to find a pumpkin pecan top pie recipe so old scout could make a repeat of the pie he remembered so fondly.

Actually he received the original one as a gift from his sister and he described the pecan topping as being almost like a pecan praline. It really did take some searching since most pecan topped pumpkin pie recipes I found had a streusel type pecan topping.

I think this recipe will make a pie that will be good enough to remember for a lot of years of good eating.

Pumpkin Pecan Top Pie
9" pie shell
¾ cup canned or pureed pumpkin
2 tablespoons light brown sugar, packed
1 egg
2 tablespoons sour cream
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
The pecan topping:
¾ cup light corn syrup
½ cup packed light brown sugar
3 eggs
3 tablespoons melted butter
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon lemon zest
1 ½ teaspoons lemon juice
¼ teaspoon salt
1 1/3 cup chopped pecans

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Use a nice mixing bowl to combine the pumpkin ingredients. Put the pumpkin into the bowl and continue with the 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, sour cream, cinnamon and nutmeg. Mix with a spoon and spread into the pie shell.

Use another mixing bowl to combine the pecan topping. Place the corn syrup into the bowl first and add the ½ cup brown sugar, 3 eggs, butter, vanilla, lemon zest, lemon juice and salt. Mix well and stir in the chopped pecans. Spread this over the pumpkin mixture in the pie shell.

Bake at the 425 degrees for 20 minutes then turn down the heat to 350 degrees. Bake another 25 or 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and let set for an hour or more. You'll soon enjoy a wonderful slice of pie or maybe a couple of slices.

Uptown Veal Medallions appeared in Farm World Nov. 11. 2009

Veal cutlets make a nice meat entrée since they don't have any waste, are nice and tender and can be flavored up to suit most any taste. I rarely write about using veal since this is a topic that touches the hot button of some folks and I'd just as soon stir up a meal as to stir up folks who have hot buttons.

Once in a while you can find veal cutlets on the menu of a fine dining establishment and this recipe is a close approximation of one a restaurant I sometimes visit (If someone else is buying) uses. I'll have to admit that I think this is a delicious way to serve veal.

When you're talking veal you're talking tenderness. You won't need to pound the cutlets as they're usually naturally thin in the butcher's case. It is nice to cut them into quarters giving you medallions which helps you get more of the flavorful sauce with each bite.

You'll want to cook these at low temperatures such as sautéing them in the oil or butter and simmering them when you're ready to finish the entrée. Serve immediately once finished so they be good and hot when they arrive at the table.

Uptown Veal Medallions
2 pounds veal cutlets, cut into quarters
¼ cup of a combination of butter and olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
½ cup chicken stock
2/3 cup sour cream
¼ lb. fresh mushrooms, cleaned and sliced
¼ cup dry sherry
½ teaspoon paprika
Salt and pepper to taste

Use the combination of butter and olive oil for sautéing your veal. Just brown the veal lightly on both sides. When you have the veal browned add the onion, garlic, chicken stock, sour cream and mushrooms. Simmer this for about 15 minutes so the meat will be very tender. I sometimes cover the skillet while sautéing as it shortens the time needed in the skillet to get the mixture done just right.

Add the paprika, salt and pepper and stir in well. Simmer uncovered for another 5 minutes. Remove from the cooking range and stir in the dry sherry. Serve immediately while still hot.

This makes a delicious treat you're sure to enjoy. You'll feel like your dining in a fine place uptown.

Trail Mix and Banana Sandwiches Appeared in FarmWorld Nov. 4, 2009

A friend of mine is a workaholic who doesn't stop for lunch when things are going hot and heavy. I've never understood how he can keep up his energy level for a long days work but now he has come clean and admitted that he makes his own trail mix that keeps him going.

He's a sort of health nut who espouses the virtues of eating honey, doesn't eat red meat more than once a week and eats deep fried breaded chicken wings like there won't be anymore chickens tomorrow. Go figure.

His trail mix has enough dry oatmeal in it to make it crumbly so he can carry it around in a plastic container and eat it by hand when he needs a snack. Sometimes he also slices a banana in half, rubs on some of his trail mix and has that as a snack.

His main passion is using his trail mix, sliced bananas and slices of bread to fry some hot sandwiches in a skillet of butter. When I suggested that this would have enough fat and cholesterol to kill a young horse he protested that Elvis Presley would still be alive today if he had only made a few additions to the friend banana and peanut butter sandwiches he are regularly.

Trail Mix and Banana Sandwiches
Smooth peanut butter
Honey
Raisins
Dry oatmeal
Optional: Diced dried apricots
Sliced bananas
Bread
Butter

He makes the trail mix by dipping out a gob of peanut butter from the jar. He then pours on some honey and stirs it around with a spoon to get a mixture that is soft and runny like glue.

Next comes an addition of raisins. Then he starts adding the oatmeal and stirring it around some more until he gets crumbles. If it's just going to be trail mix he adds enough dry uncooked oatmeal so that he has dry crumbles he can eat by hand.

If he's going to spread it on split bananas he adds less dry oats. He also uses this less crumbly and more sticky mixture when making sandwiches so it will spread on the bread without tearing the bread.

He puts round slices of banana on the mixture and tops it with another slice of bread. This is put into a hot skillet with a lot of butter and grilled until the bread is toasted on both sides and the mixture is good and warm.

He declares it's healthy and I'll have to admit that he doesn't look a day over 65. Of course, this isn't saying much since he's only 54.

Caramel Apple Cake Appeared in FarmWorld Oct. 28. 09

I hadn't eaten a caramel apple in years and forgot just how good the caramel coating tastes. You know, of course, I'm a lazy, but trustworthy, cook so I just use the commercial apple coating available in tubs at your local supermarket.

That commercial caramel apple coating is soft and nice to work with which makes it perfect for topping an apple cake. But, we're not just talking a common apple cake since we will also put a Streusel topping on the cake before adding the caramel topping.

Many folks use soft apples when making their cakes and you almost can't tell there's any apple in there. I like the Jonagold apples as they are crisp to the bite and hold up in the baked cake.

Most folks slice their apples in thin strips but since I like the bite of an apple I cube them when baking my caramel apple cake.

Caramel Apple Cake
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
3 eggs
½ cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 ½ cups white sugar
4 cups peeled and cubed apples
¾ cup chopped walnuts

Streusel:
1/3 cup flour
1/3 cup white sugar
4 ½ tablespoons butter, cut in

Caramel apple topping purchased ready to use

The first four dry ingredients (flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt) should be mixed together well.

Using a large mixing bowl beat the eggs, add the oil, vanilla extract and the 1 ½ cups sugar. Mix together very well. Add the flour mixture and stir so the dry ingredients are moist. Next, add the apples and chopped walnuts. Stir again.

Grease a 9x13 baking dish with high sides. Spread the batter in the baking dish and smooth the top.

To make the Streusel combine the flour and sugar and cut in the butter with a pastry cutter or a fork until you get crumbs. Sprinkle this on top of the cake.

Heat the caramel apple coating mix a little so it thins down enough for you to drizzle over the top of the Streusel. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 350 degrees approximately 45 minutes. Test the center of the cake to be sure it's done. You'll enjoy this scrumptious fall harvest treat.

Halloween Party Treats appeared in FarmWorld Oct. 21, 2009

In 1892 Lizzie Borden was accused, tried and acquitted in the hatchet murders of her mother and father. This was one of the most famous of murders and lives in infamy due to the poem many of us read in school back in the day.

For you folks who didn't read the poem here it is:

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother 40 whacks
When he saw what she had done
She gave her father 41

I bring this up this Halloween as we're going to be serving Mr. Borden's fingers during our Halloween party. We're also going to enjoy Wizard's Gizzards and Troll tongues.

Kids like gruesome things and these snacks should be gruesome enough to satisfy the most ornery little rascals. When served on a plate with diced tomatoes or salsa applied in strategic spots it will look like a blood-soaked meal. It will also be sticky and messy so have plenty of Halloween theme napkins available to help clean up the kids before you send them home.

Mr. Borden's Fingers
Hotdogs
Red bell pepper
Cream cheese
Diced tomatoes or salsa

Cut the hot dogs sort of finger length. At the end tips of the hot dogs cut out a slit for the fingernails. Cut the finger nails from a slice of red bell pepper and hold them in place with a dab of cream cheese. Arrange on the plate so they look like severed digits and put some diced tomatoes or salsa on the cut ends so they'll look gruesome.

Wizard's Gizzards
Dried Apricots
Caramel apple dip

This one is easy for the party giver. Just use a fork or even a toothpick to dip dried apricots into the caramel apple dip. Get them well covered and lay them on the plate exactly where you want them. If you slide them around the plate will get messy.

Be sure to put more than one per plate because these slathered sweets will be gobbled up very quickly.

Troll Tongues

Sliced bologna
Cream cheese
Diced tomatoes or salsa

This one is easy to prepare as well and the kids will scarf them up. Cut a tongue shaped piece of bologna. Slather on some cream cheese. Cut a matching tongue shaped piece of bologna and lay it on top of the cream cheese. You'll have a nice tasting thick tongue. Put some diced tomatoes or salsa to look like blood at the back end of the tongue.

Serve these treats with the lights down low or even by candle light. Have some scary ghost stories ready to tell and try to scare the heck out of the little devils. It will be a memorable party.

Announcing! Dave's newest E-Book just published by Amazon.com. You can download it for just 49 cents.

The Amazon.Shorts division of Amazon.com just published my e-book Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted. It's available for download for 49 cents and contains 15,346 words in it's sixty-four pages of fun and informative reading.

While I've been choosing my words as a freelancer for a long time, I had to learn to work with a whole new way of publishing in this project and it's been fun.

Now, folks from around the world can download and enjoy some Things You Can Do with A Tube of Biscuits In The Privacy of Your Home, get my recipes for The World's Most Dangerous Soups and experiment in cooking with booze with my Kicking Mule In The Kitchen recipes.

The e-book can be accessed and downloaded by going to Amazon.com and entering Skinny Cooks - or my name Dave Kessler - in the search box. This link will take you directly to my book: http://www.amazon.com/Skinny-Cooks-Can%C2%92t-Be-Trusted/dp/B000JFZAII/sr=11-1/qid=1163182288/ref=sr_11_1/102-7056286-4692931 if you copy and paste it in your browser's search box.

It's been a fun experience for me. It will be the most fun you can have for 49 cents anywhere in the world! Thanks. Dave

Presidential Ham Salad Sandwich

This was an historical day in my hometown. Former President Clinton was coming to town for a speech and rally and I wanted to get in on the excitement. The speech was scheduled for an uptown fire station with a capacity of 500 people. More than 2,000 showed up.

Being somewhat a contrarian in many ways I went to the airport figuring that he'd fly in or fly out and I'd get a better chance to see him. At the airport I met the two pilots and the cabin attendant. I learned that the senior pilot was originally from Kokomo and the three of them had lunch at Carver's Family Restaurant.

The pilot pulled out a credit card and signed for $11,000 dollars worth of jet fuel which costs more than $4.00 a gallon. He also paid by credit card when the owner of the Hometown Deli brought the variety of sandwiches and desserts Pres. Clinton, the secret service guys and the flight crew would enjoy when leaving town.

The Sheriff's deputies and the Secret Service Man in charge were kind and allowed me to wait in a corner under a canopy rather than making me sit out in the rain. The Secret Service chief said the motorcade would go right past my location without stopping and drive out to the plane.

The President saw the crowd of a hundred or so standing in the rain and walked the 75 yards from the plane to meet and greet us. He established eye contact with me when he was about 20 feet away and I knew he was going to come to greet me.

I got all excited and snapped his photo when he was about five feet away failing to get his face in the picture but he did have on a nice suit. While driving to the airport I thought I should say something profound if I got the chance to meet him so he would remember the people of Richmond. So as we shook hands, and he has a good firm handshake, I profoundly said "Hi Prez." A friend said that must be right up there in the ranks of profound with "What's up Doc?"

Presidential Ham Salad Sandwich
4 slices of spiral sliced baked ham
4 jumbo boiled eggs
4 tablespoons Sweet Pickle relish
6 tablespoons Mayonnaise
Strips of crisp bacon dried on paper towels

Run the ham through your food processor. Add the rest of the ingredients except the bacon. Put a couple of slices of bacon on each sandwich. Enjoy.

You may think that's not much of a recipe but keep in mind that we folks who have to take care of Presidential duties aren't able to spend much time in the kitchen when duty calls. Besides, I used real ham instead of bologna and I did it all left-handed since I will never be washing my right hand ever again.

How To Make Bait For Catfish, Carp, Snapping Turtles, Alligators, Buzzards & Possums. By O.O. "Odd Otis" Olferd.

Warning!$1.1 Million in cash prize money in THE WORLD CARP CHAMPIONSHIP being held in Waddington, NY. Sponsored by the American Carp Society, it's the first time the World Carp Championship has been held in North America. There's a $100,000 cash prize for the team catching the most collective weight of carp. The big prize is $1 Million for catching a carp weighing more than 50 pounds 4 ounces.

Fishermen using our secret recipe for making Yankemfast Doughballs or our secret recipe for making Unfair Advantage Stink Bait are considered to have the best chance to win the big money.

"Secret Yankemfast Dough Balls". My favorite uncle uses our "Secret Yankemfast Dough Balls" and I've never seen him catch a fish less than 2 feet long. He's always winning pay-pond jackpots for the biggest fish or the most pounds caught. He catches catfish, carp and bass.

This recipe uses common household groceries and requires no cooking. Uncle is a catch and release fisherman so he takes a big landing net when he goes fishing. If you're a bring 'em home fisherman you might feel safer taking a pitchfork or harpoon.

"Unfair Advantage Stink Bait" You'll also get our "Unfair Advantage Stink Bait" recipe. Big fish don't have a chance. No blood and no cooking required. Just 2 secret ingredients that mesmerize & attract big fish - much the same as donuts attract cops.

"Alligator, Snapping Turtle, Buzzards & Possums Bait." If you're an outdoor photography fan you may get some great close-up shots when you toss some of our "Unfair Advantage Stink Bait" on the bank.
Only $2.98. We'll send it to you by email.

(C) 2005 Dave Kessler. Kesspress, 510 Greenbrier Drive, Richmond, IN 47374. Email davekess@aol.com Thanks!

Groundhog Recipes

Barbecued, Fried & Roasted + A Bonus. By Dave Kessler, author of Skinny Cooks Can't be Trusted.

When it comes to eating groundhog the young ones are delicious. If you happen to get an older groundhiog you can enjoy it the best way as barbecued groundhog sandwiches.

Besides being weather prognosticators groundhogs are vegetarians with big appetites. Most farmers consider them to be varmints because they devour garden vegetables, corn and soybeans.

Groundhogs can often be heard before they're seen. They give a sharp loud whistle when communicating with other groundhogs. In some areas they're even commonly known as "whistle pigs."

· Fried Young Groundhog. You'll get the recipe and process for preparing fried groundhog.
· Barbecued Groundhog. Learn all about the soaking, parboiling and seasoning.
· Roasted Groundhog. You'll learn to soak and parboil them through two-waters, the roasting technique & the vegetables you must add to make a delicious meal in a roaster.
· FREE Bonus. You'll learn how to make groundhog hide shoe laces the "old-timey" way and learn why country boys always carried pocket knives.
· You'll be able to use these recipes with other wild game. You'll get all this in an 800+ word special report.
Only $2.98. We'll send it to you by email.

Blonde Brownies
Brownies are a great treat for any occasion and they come in a great variety. There aren't any bad brownies in the world but, some are better than others. Some are topped with icing, some are topped with powdered sugar and some are not topped at all. They may, or may not, include chopped nuts. Brownies which are thick, heavy and chewy are especially delightful and while most include chocolate in their ingredients many good ones omit chocolate altogether.

The brownies in today's column are light brown versions containing chopped black walnuts. They don't need any topping but, a sprinkling of powdered sugar would be just fine. These are just wonderful with a glass of milk or a cup of coffee and you'll really enjoy the chewy texture.
1/2 Cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
Pinch of salt
3/4 cup chopped black walnuts
Cream together the butter and brown sugar. Beat the egg with a fork or wisk and add it and the vanilla to the creamed butter and sugar. Stir well.

Add the three dry ingredients plus the chopped black walnuts and stir well. Grease a baking dish, or pan with two-inch high sides using butter. Pour the batter into the baking dish and spread out smooth with a spatula. Bake at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes testing for doneness by pressing your finger on the top of the brownie. When the finger dent has some sping in it remove from oven and let cool before serving.

It will "fall" from its fresh from the oven height and become very chewy when allowed to cool. Cut into squares or bars for serving. That's all you need to do, but you could sprinkle on a little powdered sugar if you wish. You're going to love these and will probably want to double the recipe in the future. Experiment with heat setting and length of baking until you get it just right to suit you.

Pearl Liford's Tomato Gravy

Pearl Liford lived life like Pete Rose played baseball. She was always hustling to do something more at the moment and had plans to do much more in the future.

Pearl loved to decorate things including her home, yard and anything else that she thought could use a little improvement. Her enthusiasm was contagious and as she talked in her rapid-fire way, punctuated by many happy laughs, you would forget life's wrinkles and bumps and couldn't help enjoying yourself.

You could never guess Pearl's age by looking at her and seeing her in action. You would almost think she was kidding when she told her age but since I had known her for years I could attest that she was telling the truth.

Pearl told me "Folks might enjoy the tomato gravy I've made for years. There's no measurements because it depends on how big the tomatoes are and how many you fix. You can eat it over bread or on mashed potatoes and I like it on mashed potatoes best."

At the age of 102 Pearl recently began re-decorating and cooking tomato gravy in Heaven. That place will be much improved because of her.
Pearl Liford's Tomato Gravy
Tomatoes, "Peeled and cut up fine"
Butter
Pinch of soda
Salt and pepper
Sugar
Flour
Milk
Pearl's directions were: "Peel the tomatoes, cut them up fine and sauté them in the butter. When they're heated and soft mash them to mush. The pinch of soda should be sprinkled over the tomatoes and stirred. Add the salt and pepper to taste and enough sugar to sweeten.

"Sprinkle the flour over the tomatoes in the skillet and stir it in and let it sauté a few minutes to begin thickening and to absorb the flavor. Then, add milk and stir while it thickens and becomes smooth. "

If you want to be a full-of-pep live wire at your age just make a meal of this tomato gravy served over mashed potatoes like Pearl enjoyed it. Or, use it to top anything you usually top with any other gravy or sauce and it will give you plenty of flavor and zip.

Shaker-style Fall Vegetables
Even though local gardeners haven't had much rain there still is some garden produce in the area. Some of the late-summer and Fall produce can really be enjoyed fresh from the garden and when used in combinations a very special result can be produced.

One late Summer while in a deep vegetable rut, I had grown very tired of preparing and eating the same old things. But a lunch in the Golden Lamb, Ohio's oldest inn, in Lebanon, OH brought me out of the vegetable doldrums. There I enjoyed a Shaker-style vegetable combination of cabbage, carrots and parsnips that brought my vegetable taste buds back to exuberant life.

If you have access to such produce you'll enjoy trying this combination. This recipe is my own version which I find enjoyable. I really don't know how the Golden Lamb prepares their version but mine will do until you meet a Shaker or visit the inn.

However, the odds of meeting a Shaker are slim to none. This religious sect didn't believe in having children. It's like if your parents didn't have any children the odds are good that you won't be having any either.

Shaker-style Cabbage, Carrots and Parsnips
2 parsnips, peeled and grated or run through food processor
2 carrots, grated
½ head of cabbage
1 (13 ¾ oz.) can of chicken broth
1 ½ cans of water, or enough to almost cover
1 Tablespoon brown sugar, not packed
1 cup of water

Use a 2 ½ to 3 quart pot with lid for preparing this dish. Place the vegetables, chicken broth and water into the pot, stir, cover and boil fifteen minutes.

Mix the brown sugar and cup of water and stir it to dissolve. Add this to the pot and stir it in. Cover the pot and simmer the contents for fifteen to thirty minutes.

Serve in a side dish which has some depth so you can be sure to savor the broth. Put a pat or two of butter on top of each serving and have at it. This is a tasty combination which makes eating vegetables fun again.

Bobbi Line's Malted Milk Cookies

There are generations of good cooks in some families and Bobbi Line is following in a family heritage of fine cooking. If you enjoyed Carolyn Francis' chocolate chip cookies in last week's column you're sure to like these cookies. Bobbi Line is the daughter of Carolyn Francis and Bobbi sure knows her cookies too.

Bobbi, from Eaton, OH, makes everything look easy in the kitchen. She has her daughter Beth, who likes to help in the kitchen when she's not in school and Bobbi also finds time to work in a Day Care center. Beth will probably have one of her recipes here in this column in the future.

Word came to me that Bobbi's malted milk cookies are wonderful and the word was soon followed by the recipe. I do think that one step in the process was short-circuited. I'm very sure Bobbi would have sent some cookies for me to taste and I suspect the messenger, who is a formerly skinny person, could not be trusted to deliver cookies.

The instant chocolate drink mix referred to in this recipe can be most any kind you prefer. You don't have to be picky about which malted milk balls you use either. Malted milk balls sold in bulk in candy stores are sometimes quite expensive so you can save by just buying pre-bagged malted milk balls in any supermarket or discount store.

Bobbi Line's Malted Milk Cookies
1 cup butter softened
¾ cup brown sugar
1/3 cup sugar
1 egg
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/4 cups flour
2 tablespoons instant chocolate drink mix
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 cups of malted milk balls, crushed

In a mixing bowl cream together the butter and both sugars. Beat in egg and vanilla. In another bowl combine the flour, drink mix, baking soda and salt. Gradually add these combined dry ingredients to creamed mixture. Stir in the crushed malted milk balls.

Shape into 1 ½ inch balls and place two inches apart on a greased baking sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 10 or 12 minutes until set. This will make approximately 3 dozen cookies and I will require half of them for testing to be sure you baked them right.

Chocolate Crinkle Cookies

If you want a cookie that taste like a brownie, then this is the cookie for you. They are very easy to make, and you can have the little ones help you roll the cookies in the powdered sugar.

1/2 cup corn oil
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 squares unsweetened chocolate
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups flour
1 cup powdered sugar

Melt chocolate according to directions on the box. Mix corn oil, chocolate and sugar. Blend in one egg at a time. Stir in all dry ingredients. Chill dough for several hours. Roll into equal size balls. Roll balls in powdered sugar.

Place 2" apart on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Do not overbake.
Recipe Submitted by David Shaner